100 Things you Should never Do At Hogwarts
by Chiaki21
Summary: Regular list of things you should never do but it has a bunch of new ideas I made up. Reveiws or suggestions appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Fifty Things You Should Never Do At Hogwarts

1. You should never tell Voldemort to "get a life"

2. You should never dye Draco Malfoy hair Gryffindor gold and red.

3. You should never dye Ronald Weasleys hair Slytherin green and silver.

4. You should never visit Headmaster Dumbledore while singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

should especially avoid doing it with house elves as backup singers.

6. Never ask Professor Snape if he's actually the Muggle hero Batman.

you're at it don't ask him if he's the grandchild of Dracula.

8. Don't ask Professor McGonagoll if it's true that she's Cat women.

9. Never give Hermione a book called "Why I Shouldn't Read Books."

10. If Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter are glaring at each other in the halls don't yell out, "Oh, just kiss already!"

11. Never lock Slytherin and Gryffindor houses in a room together and take bets on who would come out alive.

12. Don't spray paint a neon pink Dark Mark sign in the Gryffindor Common Room.

should never tell an innocent Hufflepuff first year that the Bloody Baron eats all first years that don't pass the end of year exams, no matter how funny it would be.

should never hang up a sign banning all Ravenclaws from the library until further notice unless you want a Death Wish.

15. After Professor Dumbledore makes his usual odd beginning of term feast you should not ask him if he's on crack.

should also not inquire if he's the demented twin brother of Santa and if he'd give you any presents this year.

17. Don't put a love potion keyed to Professor Snape in Ronald Weasleys desserts.

't send the Bloody Baron a love note addressed from Colin Creevy.

19. Don't ambush first years dressed up as a Death eater and waving green flashlights around while screaming Avada Kedavra at the top of your lungs.

20. Don't ask Lucias Malfoy if he ever did "it" with Lord Moldy wart (I mean Voldemort)

21. Don't put laxatives in professor Dumbledore lemon drops.

then offer said lemon drops to first year students.

23. Don't tell professor Trelawny that you saw her gruesome, terrifying and fastly approaching demise.

24. Don't teach peeves how to use Muggle paint guns. Please. There are something's you just cannot do.

25. Don't give professor Snape a manual that teaches online dating techniques.

26. While the gesture is thoughtful giving Professor McGonogoll kitty litter is not the best way to get into her good graces.

27. Neither is buying Professor Snape shampoo orProfessor Flitwick a ladder although he desperately needs it.

28. Don't make the assumed notion that there is something between the librarian Madam Pince and the custodian Mr. Filch although it might be true.

29. No the new Defense Against The Dark Arts Teacher is not a vampire whose out to suck the blood of partial squibs and it's mean to tell Neville differently.

30. Don't give Lucias Malfoy a note from his son Draco professing Draco's eternal adoration of Muggleborn Hermione Granger.

31. Don't send the Dark Lord a flyer for contacts that aren't a disgusting blood red.

32. You should never steal Thomas Dean's art supplies and secretly hide them in Harry Potters desk to watch the fight that would happen.

33. You should never explain to Draco Malfoy what fan fiction is and then show him various fanfics with him and Golden Boy Harry Potter or Muggleborn Hermione Granger.

Rule # 34: You may have heard of spray painting but have you ever heard of pudding painting? It's the brand new sensation that's sweeping the nation, where you can use different types of pudding (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, plum, etc.) to make beautiful three-dimensional arts! All you have to do is pick up a scoop of pudding, aim and fire at someone! However we are here to tell you to never, _ever_ do that Hogwarts. Pudding painting has been banned at Hogwarts since the era of the loathsome Phineus Negilus Black. Thank you.

*If by any chance you do happen to try pudding painting then we are not to be held responsible for any fatal injuries if you get pudding into Draco Malfoy's precious platinum blonde hair.

Rule #35: Although people say that house elves are supposed to help you, you should never ask them to do your homework.

Rule #36: You should not imply to Rita Skeeter that you are troubled by the "improper relationship" that you believe is between the heir of the Malfoy family and the Potions Master in the deep dungeons of Slytherin.

Rule #37: We all know the current head of Gryffindor should loosen up a little but that doesn't give you the right to dye her hair hot pink.

Rule #38: You should never call Draco Malfoy by the nickname "Sunshine".

Rule #39: Apparently he doesn't like "princess" either.

Rule #40: You should never introduce Muggleborn first year, Hermione Granger, to a few Honeyduke bought Cockroach Clusters or a blood flavored vampire lollipop and insist that the candy boosts your brainpower and would help you get the best grades in class.

Rule #41: You should never give Lucias Malfoy a Christmas gift that consists of a stunning portrait of him in a stylish Muggle dress of lavender satin, with pink velvet roses framed in gold thread. He's just not worth it.

Rule #42: You should never set up a romantic blind date in a Parisian cafe between the dark Lord and the boy-who-lived.

Rule #43: It will be equally wise not to set up a double date with Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasley.

Rule #44: You should never sneak into the Gryffindor common room to paint it green and silver unless you happen to adore the idea of a painfully long demise.

Rule #45: You should not introduce Professor Trelawny to the device referred to as a television, tell her it is a magical portal that gives a glimpse into the happenings of the future, show her a World War II film, and insist that the film now shown is actually an indication of what the future will be like.

Rule #46: Spinning up a tale of how the pivotal turning point of such a drastic upcoming started at the sudden annihilation of one Harry Potter would just be overkill. The poor women would die of anticipation.

Rule #47: You should not tell Draco Malfoy about this old, forgotten magic called Truth or Dare or that if you don't do whatever you are dared to, you will loose your life and/or magic and then dare him to be nice to every Gryffindor all day. Rule #48: You should not repeat the same process with Ron but make him swear to be nice to anyone in Slytherin all day instead.

Rule #49: You should not fill every Slytherin's pocket with raw meat and then "accidentally" release Hagrid's Blast-ended Skrewts on the group.

Rule #50: You should not give Dolores Umbridge a pet that is a repulsive toad wearing a pink bonnet and insist that it is her long lost cousin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Continued**

51. You should never ask Draco Malfoy what type of dye he uses to keep his hair that shade of platinum blonde.

52. Aesthetic is a type of poison susceptible to rats. You should never give a bottle of it to Wormtail as a gift for the Yule holidays.

53. You should never knock Draco Malfoy unconscious, dress him up to look like Dolores Umbridge and then use an Imperio on him you make him ask a centaur for a pony ride.

54. You should never make smoochy noises when Dumbledore and Grindelwald are in the same sentence.

55. You should never refer to Voldemort as an accomplished drama queen. Although he totally has that going for him.

56. You should never invite Tommy boy, Draco Malfoy, Dolores Umbridge, Gilderoy Lockhart, Rita Skeeter, and any member of Tommy boys Inner Circle over for an I- Hate- Harry- Potter- And- I- Would- Gladly- Use- His- Spine- As- A- Toothpick party.

57. You should never write a passionate love letter to Voldie stating your undying love for him and sign it "by Harry James Potter."

58. You should never ask Snape why he is so obsessed with the Gryffindor Golden Boy. After all, Potter isn't that cute.

59. You should never call Filch "old Filchy" unless you prefer being hanged up to the ceiling by your entrails which Filch would totally do, Dumbledore's protection or not.

60. You should never teach Draco Malfoy about a "rare Potion" that involves a strange dark liquid called _Diet Coke_ and a potion ingredient consisting of_ Mentos_, tell him that to make the potion he must put the Mentos into the Diet coke, shake the bottle really hard and then point it directly at his face.

61. You should also not take a video of this using a camcorder and sell it to the Hogwarts students (especially those in Gryffindor).

62. You should never use the _Confundus_ curse to convince Snape that pink is the new gothic color of the fashion season.

63. You should never charm all of Professor Dumbledore's clothes black. The guy thrives on bright and yet weird colors.

64. You should never use the _Imperio_ to make Voldemort transfigure all of his inner circle members black robes into pink, frilly dresses. After the entire innocent little girl look is all the rage with the current Dark Lords.

65. You should never offer one of Hagrid's Blast- ended Skrewts as a thoughtful gift to a certain Lord Drama Queen Wannabe aka the self proclaimed Dark Lord and write a not explaining how it's from the Malfoy family.

66. You should never call Lucius Malfoy "Darling Lucia" or just plain "Lucia."

67. For some reason he is not fond of "Little Lucy" either.

68. You should never shove live spiders down Ronald Weasleys shirt. He has such a deep case of arachnophobia that he'd probably faint.

You should never transfigure Draco Malfoy into a girl, although it would be so easy that even a talented first year could do it. I mean let's face it. The guy pretty much looks like a girl already, anyway.

70. You should never paint the Great Hall hot pink of all colors. Seriously you shouldn't. Lockhart's got that done way back in second year during Valentines Day. To do it again would be unbelievably tacky. Besides do you really want to copy _Lockhart?_

You should never buy a bunch of terrifying Muggle horror novels and present a copy to each Slytherin, while insisting that the novel is accurate geographical information about the wizarding population in the States.

You should never call Madam Pince the "Book Pincer" if you wish to continue visiting the Hogwarts library.

73. You should never give Filch a pamphlet that specializes in online dating. Please have some mercy for all those innocent single women out there.

You should never introduce Moony to Filch's house cat Mrs. Norris during one of Moony's full moon "adventures".

You probably shouldn't introduce Professor Moony to the Slytherin common in the middle of one of his full moon strolls either.

You should never introduce Sirius Black to Muggle porn magazines.

_Please feel free to review here. Seriously I don't get many comments. It seriously damages my self-esteem. I mean why bother to write if no body cares?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Continued **

76. You should never imply that Voldie- our favorite obsessive, homicidal maniac that we all know and love- has an inferiority complex. Turns out, he gets really insulted if you start to ask why he's so desperate for any kind of attention and if it's because he was neglected as a child. But really, what does he expect people to think if he continues to go skipping around Britain, sending out killing curses like they're party favors, and demanding that people refer to him as "Lord"?

77. You should never fill all of the shampoos in Slytherin with electric blue hair dye.

78. You should never use transfiguration to turn your beloved Potions Master Sevvy, into a giant griffin painted in red and gold colors.

79. You should never hand Weasley a long, leather whip and a cowboy hat, then tell him about the famous American pioneer/ Wizarding hero that he so resembles and was named Indiana Jones.

80. You should also never tell him that the whip has the power to burst into fire if you try it on someone evil and then insist that Malfoy would be an excellent test subject.

81. While the sentiment is thoughtful, you should never buy Draco Malfoy a pink make up box filled to the brim with foundation, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow, and etc. for the Yule holidays.

82. You should never oblivate Gryffindor's Golden Boy, tell him some ridiculously exaggerated story of how he's a pureblood Slytherin, son of the Dark Lord, and Draco Malfoy's fiancé, and then attempt to keep a straight face while you point him toward the Great Hall so he could go "reunite" with boyfriend.

83. You should never videotape the moment when Harry sees his beloved boyfriend and then rather than trading the many scathing or rude insults with the Malfoy heir, he walks up and hugs the startled and rapidly fearing Slytherin Ice Prince in front of practically the entire population of Hogwarts.

84. You should especially not keep up an innocent façade while said Slytherin Ice Prince starts spluttering about, "What the fucking HELL… Potter, are you insane?… Th-this is sexual harassment!"

85. You should never introduce Peeves to the fascinating Muggle spot referred to as dodge ball and suggest that instead of using normal red rubber balls, he should use flaming bludgers.

86. You should never point out how the little first years- particularly those in Hufflepuff- make the perfect targets for Peeves friendly game of dodge ball.

87. You should never charm the Hogwarts statues to say things like, "Gryffindork's are morons" or "Dumbledolt sucks eggs."

88. You should never replace all the filling in the Slytherin treacle tarts at the Hogwarts welcoming feast with Veritaserum and then go and happily interrogate them about their most humiliating moments, deepest fears, etc.

89. You should never dress up as a Jedi from Star Wars, take a Polyjuice potion to make yourself resemble Harry Potter, and then declare your undying devotion to the Dark lord before revealing that you are the Boy- Who- Lived.

90. You should never tell Hagrid about the famous Yeti's found in the Himalayas, tell him that he should go look for the creatures and then hand him a useless map that you had scribbled some directions thoughtlessly on during class.

91. You should never use red paint to draw a bloody circle on the back of Hermione Granger's pants to show that she might have gotten a little monthly visit from the wonderful presence known as Mother Nature.

92. You should never tell Ronald Weasley about the popular red hair fairy (you know the cousin of the tooth fairy?) that comes once in a blue moon, to give ten galleons to any red head to put a strand of hair under his or her pillow.

93. You should never introduce Draco Malfoy to the Muggle candy "_Sours"._

94. It would probably be a good idea not to spread rumors to all the Muggle born kids who are missing their Saturday morning cartoons that Draco Malfoy happens to have a private telly in his room in the Slytherin dungeons.

95. You should also never tell any of the students (especially those in Gryffindor) about the recent password of the Slytherin house this week.

96. Handing some red, gold, and pink spray paint to Dean Thomas might just be taking it a little far. We don't want the students in Slytherin to start _crying_ after all.

97. You should never start selling front row tickets to the next inevitable screaming match between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter.

98. You should especially make sure that said Malfoy and Potter not find about your sales or you'll be forced to give a percentage of the profits to them.

99. You should never propose a new holiday dubbed the "Day Everything Goes Unbelievably Freaking Wrong And Usually Results In Someone Nearly Dying A Horrific And Rather Painful Death" day on Halloween. We can call it DEGUFWRURISNDAHARPD day for short! Let's face it; Potter does seem to have a lot of issues during All Hollow's Eve.

100. You should never hand a copy of this document to any person who is a student/ staff/ teacher of Hogwarts, is a Wizard, or magical in general, and knows Harry Potter.

Finally I am finished! It seems rather anticlimactic now though, doesn't it? Oh well… REVIEW! And thank you for reading my fanfic.


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